Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
