My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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