i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize