Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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