Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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