she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
