I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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