Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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