Got a toothbrush?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
