I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
