It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
