cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
