my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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