where am i from again
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
