I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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