My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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