my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
