Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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