woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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