mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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