Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
