The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize