Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
