When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You ate ashes out of my bong
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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