I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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