Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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