And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
