I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
