Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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