were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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