I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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