Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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