Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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