it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
