I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize