Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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