If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
