We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
