Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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