dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My cat gives me a boner
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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