God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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