i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
