just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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