It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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