No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
