So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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