I've blown a few things in my day
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
