We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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