He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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