youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
