I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
