ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
