I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
