i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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