Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
