You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
