Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
