I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
