if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
